Ninja tunes

today is a good day. went to work, got cut from my evening shift, got my haircut. now i'm sitting here in my kitchen listening to this internet radio station hosted by Ninja Tune- good stuff.

in less than 2 hours i'll be giving a lead at wicker park alano, which will be good (for me, but hopefully for someone else, too). oh, there are 3 homeless guys getting drunk on the sidewalk in front of our building and i can hear them yelling at each other. maybe they're not yelling- maybe that's just how they converse. i feel like i may have shed some of my fear around rehearsal and the show. thank god! that shit was killing me (or it would have). i don't know... i should probably call the ol' sponsor. i'll do that now. 

almost not so scared

well, almost. i can't wait for this show to be over- no more rehearsal, no more comparing myself to other people, no more wondering if the director likes me, no more thinking i suck or wondering if the other people think i suck. i'm really done with it. maybe i'm just not a performer. certain people are made for this, and i'm starting to think i'm not one them. how did i even get into this show, anyway? i mean, they obviously saw something they liked. but what? i almost wanna go ask these guys what they saw. because now i just feel like poo. or straight shit. oh, God, where do i belong? for a little while i thought it was on stage, be it telling jokes, acting out jokes, or some kind of real, dramatic-type acting. i feel a little lost now. i really, really want to go to Portland, or somewhere with a lot of trees (??) and just hang out... "find myself". maybe i want to run. fuck it. maybe that's just what i need to do. i feel like i could be one of those people that hides out in AA. oh, i hope i'm not. but i understand them now. okay, i'll just show up to these next couple of rehearsals, take the director's notes, and give it my best. that's all i can do, right? it'll be over soon. then i can see what's going on in the next chapter of this... life thing.