almost not so scared

well, almost. i can't wait for this show to be over- no more rehearsal, no more comparing myself to other people, no more wondering if the director likes me, no more thinking i suck or wondering if the other people think i suck. i'm really done with it. maybe i'm just not a performer. certain people are made for this, and i'm starting to think i'm not one them. how did i even get into this show, anyway? i mean, they obviously saw something they liked. but what? i almost wanna go ask these guys what they saw. because now i just feel like poo. or straight shit. oh, God, where do i belong? for a little while i thought it was on stage, be it telling jokes, acting out jokes, or some kind of real, dramatic-type acting. i feel a little lost now. i really, really want to go to Portland, or somewhere with a lot of trees (??) and just hang out... "find myself". maybe i want to run. fuck it. maybe that's just what i need to do. i feel like i could be one of those people that hides out in AA. oh, i hope i'm not. but i understand them now. okay, i'll just show up to these next couple of rehearsals, take the director's notes, and give it my best. that's all i can do, right? it'll be over soon. then i can see what's going on in the next chapter of this... life thing.