Friday night

I'm already bored writing this. All I can think about is Kris since she just popped up on FB chat and then signed right off. I wanted to say something so bad, but also I was so scared to. As soon as I saw her name in the box I got butterflies. I wonder if I'll ever get bored with this obsession.

Saw Greenberg tonight and really liked it. I thought Ben Stiller was great. I don't think I've ever seen him in a role like that (not being the neurotic, nervous Jew). He definitely did it up Baumbach style. I recommend.

I wonder what Kris is doing right now....

I wonder if I'll be in LA this time next year. That movie was set in LA and I want to go there. I wonder how it's different from living here- besides the weather and driving.

I fear that I can't write. That this is just boring dribble. I've never called writing "dribble" before. I wonder from where I got that.

I don't want to be all pathetic and sad and feeling like shit about myself because I don't think my ex-girlfriend is attracted to me anymore or doesn't think I'm interesting and cool. I want to move forward and learn and do new things and at least feel like I'm accomplishing something. That's a really good feeling. I know that I don't need a woman to do that. I just need to believe in myself- and do. And then, maybe one day, I'll be able to give myself to another person. And accept another person into my life. I don't want to be selfish. I just want to be the most honest version of myself I can be while performing.

now i'm looking at fb over and over to see if kris has maybe messaged me. or to look at her page.. i'm making a smoothie.

Hey, don't I know you?

Well, well... it is you! How've you been? You look well! It's been... I don't even know.

I must admit, I have been flirting with other blogs. I mean, not that they became anything. Just me looking for a new look, feel... I don't know.

So, what's new? As I write this, I'm avoiding working on my monologue. No, I haven't been auditioning. Yes, I am set to write and perform in a show with the Elegance Deficit at the Skybox. Pretty nifty, wouldn't ya say? I think so.

Okay, this is pathetic. I've actually been thinking that the best thing to do while not practicing my monologue is to write a blog about not practicing my monologue. I'm just gonna do it.

Oh yeah- I have to write a scene for the sketch show. Is this what it's like to be involved in stuff? I think I like it! Bye.

Ninja tunes

today is a good day. went to work, got cut from my evening shift, got my haircut. now i'm sitting here in my kitchen listening to this internet radio station hosted by Ninja Tune- good stuff.

in less than 2 hours i'll be giving a lead at wicker park alano, which will be good (for me, but hopefully for someone else, too). oh, there are 3 homeless guys getting drunk on the sidewalk in front of our building and i can hear them yelling at each other. maybe they're not yelling- maybe that's just how they converse. i feel like i may have shed some of my fear around rehearsal and the show. thank god! that shit was killing me (or it would have). i don't know... i should probably call the ol' sponsor. i'll do that now. 

almost not so scared

well, almost. i can't wait for this show to be over- no more rehearsal, no more comparing myself to other people, no more wondering if the director likes me, no more thinking i suck or wondering if the other people think i suck. i'm really done with it. maybe i'm just not a performer. certain people are made for this, and i'm starting to think i'm not one them. how did i even get into this show, anyway? i mean, they obviously saw something they liked. but what? i almost wanna go ask these guys what they saw. because now i just feel like poo. or straight shit. oh, God, where do i belong? for a little while i thought it was on stage, be it telling jokes, acting out jokes, or some kind of real, dramatic-type acting. i feel a little lost now. i really, really want to go to Portland, or somewhere with a lot of trees (??) and just hang out... "find myself". maybe i want to run. fuck it. maybe that's just what i need to do. i feel like i could be one of those people that hides out in AA. oh, i hope i'm not. but i understand them now. okay, i'll just show up to these next couple of rehearsals, take the director's notes, and give it my best. that's all i can do, right? it'll be over soon. then i can see what's going on in the next chapter of this... life thing. 

full

blearfahargghh...... i'm full. full of polish sausage and banana peanutbutter shake. the tv is getting annoying. i signed up for a class at annoyance. the stuff i want to watch on tv isn't on anymore. i should take it easy on myself. i'm doing okay, right? i've got some good stuff going on! really!! relationship, i'm in a sketch show, will start classes at annoyance, i'm sober... i just realized that i can go anywhere and do anything, so long as i get my ass up and do it. but if i up and leave and make some "big plans" for the future, am i just running? it sort of feels like that- the idea of leaving town to live in some other city where i don't know anyone. well, maybe a couple of people. i think i'm going to be okay. oh, if anyone ever reads this, don't tell me. thanks.

Boogie!

Tonight was way fun! I have to get out and dance more. I even got a number from a girl who recognized me from my Reader ad?? What?? Fuckin' nice, that's what!
Yeah, gettin' all sweaty and stupid on the dance floor with a bunch of other people who are just there to have fun and forget about their shit for little while- it's just good, cheap therapy... and probably not a bad way to meet women, which in itself can be a form of therapy.

Okay, I'm officially sleepy now and I've got a 1:00 date tomorrow afternoon:D What?? That's right- a 1:00!
Sleep tight, world.

breathing

i think breathing may be the only thing i can do right now. this is hard. it's hard to try to go against this urge to obsess about this person and whether or not i did something wrong. it's hard not to constantly check my phone and facebook for messages from her. i so want her to realize after a week or so that i haven't contacted her and that she misses me. i want her to miss my texts every day. i want her to miss seeing me. i want her to rethink what she said last saturday. but she probably won't. and i'll probably stop thinking about her, eventually. for now i'll just breath and ask god to get me through this (i think it's working!) i have to admit, it is pretty amazing that i'm not a drunken mess right now. and at the same time, i'm scared to be alone. i'm scared to look around my room or outside for i keep seeing things that remind me of her. god, please make this go away! i'm doing everything i can to get my mind off of her. i'll be okay. breathe....