Boogie!

Tonight was way fun! I have to get out and dance more. I even got a number from a girl who recognized me from my Reader ad?? What?? Fuckin' nice, that's what!
Yeah, gettin' all sweaty and stupid on the dance floor with a bunch of other people who are just there to have fun and forget about their shit for little while- it's just good, cheap therapy... and probably not a bad way to meet women, which in itself can be a form of therapy.

Okay, I'm officially sleepy now and I've got a 1:00 date tomorrow afternoon:D What?? That's right- a 1:00!
Sleep tight, world.

breathing

i think breathing may be the only thing i can do right now. this is hard. it's hard to try to go against this urge to obsess about this person and whether or not i did something wrong. it's hard not to constantly check my phone and facebook for messages from her. i so want her to realize after a week or so that i haven't contacted her and that she misses me. i want her to miss my texts every day. i want her to miss seeing me. i want her to rethink what she said last saturday. but she probably won't. and i'll probably stop thinking about her, eventually. for now i'll just breath and ask god to get me through this (i think it's working!) i have to admit, it is pretty amazing that i'm not a drunken mess right now. and at the same time, i'm scared to be alone. i'm scared to look around my room or outside for i keep seeing things that remind me of her. god, please make this go away! i'm doing everything i can to get my mind off of her. i'll be okay. breathe....

Holy Shit.

I came close to drinking tonight. I was alone, walking around my neighborhood. People were out on the bars' outdoor patios, drinking on this Labor Day eve. I wanted to be sitting at one of those tables with them. I was wishing that I didn't have to do all this recovery stuff: examining my life, my motives, my actions. I wanted to be one of them: having a care-free Sunday night with no work on Monday. But I can't be one of them, can I? I gots the alcoholism, see. When I try to avoid looking at my life- and instead look for certain "pleasures" to make me feel whole- I always end up feeling so restless that I can't stand myself. It's a scary place to be. Tonight was scary, but I got through it. Though I was out of my mind there for a bit, I knew it would be okay. I knew the Universe would take care of me if I was willing to let it. I knew I just had to hold on and call a few fellows and let them know what was going on with me and my crazy head....

Holy fucking shit thank you, God.

I auditioned!

and haven't heard back one way or another, though they said they'd call everyone either way to let us know... honestly, I'm just happy I went on my first audition. feels pretty good! makes me want to find another one right away!

I'm wicked tired. there's a Carlin concert from '78 on HBO right now. he died this week and that's pretty sad- no... you know what? he gave us a lot and that's that. so, thank you, George Carlin.

good night.

Headshot day

Today's the day: I'm actually getting headshots done.
I'm a little nervous about the whole process. Do I have the right shirts to wear? Do I need to bring some music or a friend to put me in that relaxed place? Am I going to look tired since I got up like 5 times last night to pee (after taking someone's advice to drink a gallon of water the day before)? Does this photographer know what he's doing? Glasses or no glasses?
At least I have some examples of headshots I like on my iPod I can show the guy. It'll be fine. I just wish I'd slept better.
Right now I'm pooing and deciding whether or not to make coffee. I think I will. And I need to get into the shower so that I won't have "wet head" by the time I get to SC.
Okay, I'm gonna stop thinking about this- just go and do it. Before I know it I'll be on my way to Wisconsin for the annual camp trip, which I'm sure will be fun. Though, I hate to miss my SC class on Sunday. And I really wanted to work on my monologue some more! I'll just bring it with and sneak off when I can. Go sit by a lake or something...

Hello, again!

Well, it's been a little while, huh? Good to see ya! Oh, don't be like that- I didn't forget you. I've just been , ya know, busy. I act now. I'm into the acting. And of course I've got the AA stuff going all the time. Oh, and my job (the one where I make money).
So I was compelled to tell you about this comforting feeling that came over me at CS this morning. While sitting there wondering if I'm going to be called up or if I dare raise my hand to comment, I surveyed the room and realized something: we all have similar struggles and we're all in this together. I don't have to worry about these people judging or misunderstanding me. They're just like me in their self-centered obsessions and desire to find peace of mind! Maybe this is something I already knew. Whatever the case, it was never so apparent to me until this morning. I felt like I had to write this down in hopes that I'll return to this and find some relief in a time of doubt. Maybe this realization could apply to the rest of the world, too- not just alcoholics. I'll try it out! That's all for now. Time for B-E-D.