Hate

Why do I feel like I hate everyone today? I started off good: working out. Then once the shitty tips came rolling in I began to hate on the world. I just tried calling Jen 30 minutes ago and left an embarrassingly long voice message. Now I hate myself! New rule: no v
..... okay, I just accidentally deleted half of this post. Anyway, I was just saying that I finally realized how crucial it is that I cut Tracy off completely. She's so pathetic and sad and, yes, I do care about her and I feel bad for her. But what can I do for her? Nothing. Now I need to figure out a way to give her keys to her roommate while she's at work. This is so dumb. Blogging. It's like one long embarrassing voice mail. Or text message. Or note. Whatever. I just want to make-out with someone. I want someone to be interested in me. To compliment me. To flirt with me. Despite my recent attitude about dating, I think I want to meet someone. I want that newness. A new person to kiss. That rush. New lips. New tits. I want that intense stare. Of course, most people would say that it sounds like I just want to use someone for sex. Maybe I do. Just not my ex-girlfriend (anymore). Do I really hate? No. I just have that disgruntled, get-out-of-my-face feeling today. I can't believe people thought that lead was good. The guy basically read from the book for 20 minutes and had a big head. God, what if someone I knew read this and figured out that it's me. Talk about awkward.

HBO

I can't bring myself to turn off the t.v. Just watch the last 20 minutes of Tell Me You Love Me. Okay, I muted the t.v. The show made me think about how I'm not good with kids or at least how I think I'm not good with kids. I cried. Oh, and I cried right before that when the old couple were being sweet to each other. Do I want a relationship? Or do I just want to make-out with random women? I don't even know. I just messaged Jen H. about having coffee sometime. Now I can't even imagine calling her. She's so together. So sober! I'm not. I masturbate and make fun of people and things all day. I watch a shit-load of t.v. Her Myspace page says that she doesn't even watch t.v. This only discourages me more. I should read this Middlesex book. Great, Real Sex is on. At least I didn't give in to Tracy last night. I don't even want her anymore. I don't think about her in that way anymore. At least lately I haven't. I constantly second guess my grammar/writing. Sometimes I think I'm so fucking dumb. Then I have those brief moments of serenity where I actually like myself. Okay, I do like myself. I've just been so full of doubt lately. DJing was fun the other night. Very full-filling. Who can I hook-up with? I just want a hook-up buddy. An activity partner that I can make-out with occasionally. I don't know what I want. Yes, I do. I don't want to visit massage parlors. I don't want to see Tracy. I do want to have coffee with Jen and it not be weird. I do want to progress in my acting class. I do want to write more and perform comedy. God. I'm so full of fear. I'm so sick of being scared. I think that's what made me send Jen that message. Just like, fuck it. I was tired of thinking about it and seeing her on Saturday mornings and wondering if we'd click. She's so fucking cute. And nice. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I writing "fuck" so much? I think I'm gonna jack off and maybe make a video. That sounded weird.

Be quiet, brain!

I want to go back to sleep! I re-set my alarm for 11 so that I can go over lines and be somewhat productive before I go into work. Was just listening to the new Radiohead and, of course, it's good. Gave a lead at Lincoln Park hospital, which was great. I definitely needed that. Got to talk to a couple of guys afterward and it felt great. Now if I could only shut my brain down. Okay, I'm getting sleepy again... can't type any... more.

I'm addicted to soundtracks.

Lying (laying?) in bed listening to the Thumbsucker soundtrack which is so mellow at the end it makes you want stay in bed making blog entries with your cat sleeping next to you. I also just downloaded the Donnie Darko soundtrack and score last night. The score is really what I'm after. I mean a lot of times movies will have great songs, but I really appreciate a good instrumental, moody score- a "sound-scape", if you will. I have to get up and going in the next few minutes as I just told Anthony that we could go somewhere in the 'hood to get lunch. What else? Oh, class tonight. I think this is the first time I'm going to class not having anything to present- no homework last week. I'm still loving the class and the fact that I'm taking a class. I'm definitely getting on board with Fundamentals II for next month. Maybe I'll even take that Improv for Actors class or Commercial Techniques. What if I got a commercial part? My parents would see it and not have to worry about me. Okay, they probably don't worry about me like they used to. Like when I'd call and ask for money because I'd been fired from ANOTHER job. But they would see that I'm doing something- that I discovered a skill that will help bring employment, a sense of accomplishment, and happiness. I have to keep working on Dad's amends. I think I'll call Jay from AST to tell him that I'm not going to the Ann Arbor COC show with him. I just can't see going on a road trip with someone I don't know that well and staying with their family. Just not up for that. I'm not even sure I'm going to the Chicago show. I've been seeing a lot of great live comedy shows- thanks, Chicago!! Life is good. I make call now.

movie time

got some stuff done today: dentist, mailed out bills. now i'm sitting down to watch Owning Mahowny with Phillip Seymour Hoffman who plays a compulsive gambler. i'm trying to explore his work since Grant is wanting us to really pay attention to the actors we like. okay, i don't have a lot of time, so i'm ending this now.

I'm off today!

I got called off from my lunch shift, which I was trying to give away at the last minute last night so that I could put together a scene for class today. Now I'm crapping and having coffee (not at the same time, but sometimes, yes). Doug was home when I got up and asked me to look up a chiropractor since he hurt his back yesterday. I have to look at this as a way to be of service instead of "you're bullshit is getting in the way of my important bullshit!" Okay- for my scene: I think I'm gonna do something that involves me watching t.v. so that I can use the "fourth wall". Maybe I can have a snack with me. And I have to script out a phone call. Not sure if I want to adapt an actual conversation I had or if I want to make it up. I guess drawing of something from past experience would be more natural (and easier?) Okay, I have to figure this stuff out. Oh, and sorry, Pages, for not writing in you yesterday. I was running late in the morning and then went to bed without even writing one sentence- I'll try not to let that happen again!

1:04 p.m.

I kinda slept in today. And instead of getting right out of bed, peeing, making coffee, and praying, I Googled this girl I used to have a crush on. But here I am now in the afternoon, writing something. I feel good about it. No, it's not some major accomplishment, but it's good. I need to open my blinds. I also had to blow my nose. Allergies. I don't know what to type here... It's a beautiful day out and I feel like I should be taking advantage since chilly fall will be here soon. I welcome the chilly weather. I love the change into cold: sweaters, scarves, hot tea, hoodies, the peaceful quiet- damn it- Tracy called. Okay I'm back. What else do I look forward to in the fall/winter? Hot chocolate? Maybe sometimes. I like the fact that it's acceptable to be pale. And fat. And have flaky dry skin. Nice. This big golden retriever just took a dump across the street and the owner had to find some garbage from the sidewalk with which to scrape it up. How could she walk her dog AND have a baby and not have the foresight to bring baggies? Maybe she did but used them already. God, I'm ready to stop this and go masturbate already. I think I'm done with Tracy. At least this week. Hearing about her sleeping with this other guy and having a new roommate witness it is just a turn-off. Maybe not a turn-off, but I'm seeing who we really are, I guess. I don't fucking know. I just know that I need to get an HIV test and stop sleeping with her. She should probably get one, too, but I'm not going to be the one to tell her that. Unless, of course, I have HIV. On that note, I'm going to jack-off and get ready for work. Thank you.

My neck hurts.

Ahhh, Monday morning. I think I'm getting a sore throat and cricky neck thanks to the fan being on me all night. Okay, I need to perk up. I think my new morning routine is: pee, start coffee, pray, and then write. That's what I figured out today while I was doing those things in that order and it seemed to work. I definitely need God to guide my thoughts and actions today. I've been acting out with the food and other things and I have to get out of this. It makes me feel like shit about myself because I'm not showing up for people in my life and I'm not being creative when I'm masturbating or eating pie 17 hours out of every day. Damn it- I just edited myself. Who cares if "or" was a better choice than "and". Shit. I have to shit. That's fifth on my list of things to do every morning. I can enjoy my coffee while writing, then it's time to poop before I know it. This works! I may have to get up a few minutes earlier than I have been. By the way, if anyone ever reads this, hi. I'm not sure what that was for. I feel like I have to explain this exercise to nobody, which is who is reading this. I think I want to take an English/grammar class. I may have forgotten a lot of key rules of grammar. May I not be a total asshole to my fellow employees and other humans today. May I be a "worker among workers". I want my mind to clear of all the crap that's been up there telling me that I can't do this or that.

Lazy Sunday

So I've decided to start a blog to make up for the "morning pages" I stopped writing months ago (I should really start reading "The Artist's Way" again). So I'm doing this: trying to write freely in blog-form so that my nonsensical ramblings stay neatly in one place. I'm keeping this anonymous, too. Except for my middle name, but nobody knows that. Why is this hard/uncomortable? To just freely write whatever comes into my mind without stopping to think of what sounds good or funny?? I just went back to add another question mark to that question- why??? No one is going to read this! I think I definitely need to pick up that book again. I think just writing like this everyday will help me do..... something. Now I just stopped myself from going over what I've written- STOP!!
Okay. Had to stop as Anthony stopped into my room to ask me what I'm listening to- it's a Ninja Tune compilation and I'm loving it! That's another thing: I'm weird about people seeing what I'm writing, even though I'm writing something that will be published to the internet. I know no one will see it, but still. I guess I'm a dumb-dumb. A co-worker says "dumb-dumb" sometimes. Did I just steal that? Who gives a shit. It's a funny word. I need to work on my scene for class Thursday. I mean the one I haven't worked on at all. The one where I have to act out some kind of natural behavior around the house and then take a phone call. I have to script this thing out. Tricky stuff. I'm definitely digging the class, though. What else do I have to work on? My character who's obsessed with Apple products, and... I guess that's it. That might be a good video idea.
Damn it. I can't be on this fucking thing without flipping over to Craigslist or Myspace. Okay, enough. Breaking out the camcorder to do some phone conversation exercise type shit. Goodnight, me.