HBO

I can't bring myself to turn off the t.v. Just watch the last 20 minutes of Tell Me You Love Me. Okay, I muted the t.v. The show made me think about how I'm not good with kids or at least how I think I'm not good with kids. I cried. Oh, and I cried right before that when the old couple were being sweet to each other. Do I want a relationship? Or do I just want to make-out with random women? I don't even know. I just messaged Jen H. about having coffee sometime. Now I can't even imagine calling her. She's so together. So sober! I'm not. I masturbate and make fun of people and things all day. I watch a shit-load of t.v. Her Myspace page says that she doesn't even watch t.v. This only discourages me more. I should read this Middlesex book. Great, Real Sex is on. At least I didn't give in to Tracy last night. I don't even want her anymore. I don't think about her in that way anymore. At least lately I haven't. I constantly second guess my grammar/writing. Sometimes I think I'm so fucking dumb. Then I have those brief moments of serenity where I actually like myself. Okay, I do like myself. I've just been so full of doubt lately. DJing was fun the other night. Very full-filling. Who can I hook-up with? I just want a hook-up buddy. An activity partner that I can make-out with occasionally. I don't know what I want. Yes, I do. I don't want to visit massage parlors. I don't want to see Tracy. I do want to have coffee with Jen and it not be weird. I do want to progress in my acting class. I do want to write more and perform comedy. God. I'm so full of fear. I'm so sick of being scared. I think that's what made me send Jen that message. Just like, fuck it. I was tired of thinking about it and seeing her on Saturday mornings and wondering if we'd click. She's so fucking cute. And nice. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I writing "fuck" so much? I think I'm gonna jack off and maybe make a video. That sounded weird.